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In fact, gone are the days of having sex at all. I have resorted to jerking off alone in the bathroom after my wife's asleep. It's a sad, lonely existence when you have to take your cell phone into the shitter so you don't wake your wife when you pull up the YouPorn app and crank one out.
The worst part is the SpongeBob SquarePants shower curtain in the bathroom. Do you know how difficult it is to keep an erection while SpongeBob is staring at you with his big, googly eyes and you keep hearing the song "Jellyfishin', Jellyfishin', Jellyfishin'" in your head?
Okay, it's not that hard yeah it is! It's the principal of the thing. Every night for the past year I've hunched over the toilet bowl with my cell phone in my hand, furiously yanking my wank and hoping I don't drop my phone into the water.
Which only happened once, thank God. And you'll be happy to know porn still keeps playing under the water. It's a bit fuzzy and the sounds of "Ooooooh, fuck me harder! It was like a dream come true. We had sex in the morning, for brunch at lunch, at night for a midnight snack, on the baby's changing table, in a Walmart bathroom, in three neighbors' pools and one neighbor's hot tub, and one really strange night that involved the jungle gym at the park, a free range chicken, and sparklers.
Jenny had been insatiable, and I actually wondered if my dick would fall off from overuse. I'll tell ya, though, what a way to go. His dick fell off. Yeah, just separated from his body and plopped to the floor. He just got done having monkey sex with his wife on the roof of their house though, so it's all good. Billy had been a planned pregnancy so it's not like the shock of her getting pregnant again put a bucket of cold water on her vagina.
It's like the day the stick turned pink, her lady bits put up a giant "Out of Business" sign. Do not enter, closed for repairs, zombies will eat your face if you try to touch this vagina. I've tried everything. I've whispered sweet nothings in her ear like, "My penis misses your vagina," and "I heard a rumor that your love canal misses my jizz. I know, I can't believe it either. I know Billy's pregnancy was a lot harder on her than Veronica's.
No, I'm not joking. Fuck the Terrible Twos. I half expected our sweet little daughter to cut off our heads while we slept at night and feed our bodies to rabid dogs while overdosing on ring pops and Lucky Charms.
One minute she was hugging us and telling us she loved us and the next she was running around in circles screaming about sugar and throwing toys at our heads. Jenny was freaked out by Veronica's behavior and sick all the time from the pregnancy so sex had gone on the back burner.
Like, the back burner twenty miles down the road at someone else's house back burner. But tonight, I am going to fix it all. I am bringing sexy back, bitches!
I can't take one more night of playing pull and tug with SpongeBob. Aside from the fact that I've watched every single YouPorn video ever made-twice-I've also read every story on Erotica dot com, and when I started reading the stories just to see how they ended instead of for the sex scenes, I knew I was in deep shit. I've spent the last few weeks trying to come up with the perfect plan.
Carter had suggested I sit down and talk to Jenny about what's bothering me but that just seems like something a chick would do. I don't need to cry and talk about my feelings.
I just need to have sex with my wife. I'm too nervous to do anything but sit on the couch and stare at the door. At nine o'clock, Jenny's car pulls in and she's unlocking the front door.
Jenny is always nervous about leaving me home alone with the kids at bedtime. I seriously think she expects to come home to our daughter's hair dyed green from lime Kool-Aid and our son sucking on a black Sharpie after painting his face with it.
That's only happened once but you'd think I burned the house down or sold them on the black market. And really, the fact that a three month old can draw a perfect Hitler 'stache on his upper lip and a Harry Potter lightning bolt on his forehead without a mirror is just fucking awesome. I don't miss the smile falter from her face when she realizes the kids are already asleep and she won't get to do it herself.
She rarely, if ever, misses a chance to bathe the kids and read a bedtime story to them. I remember a time when she never missed a blow job. Ahhhhh, memories. Perfectly understandable.
She's containing her excitement and waiting for me to come upstairs so she can thank me properly with her mouth on my schwantz. I approve of this message. After I give Jenny a few more minutes to enjoy the surprise and get situated, I jump up from the couch, and take the stairs two at a time in haste to get to our room.
I run down the hallway with a grin on my face and push open the door to our bedroom with a raging hard-on just thinking about the night to come. I stop dead in my tracks at what I see and am unable to form any words that can describe the horror show happening right this very second. I love it! Oh my gosh, it's the perfect lighting to do this! Not in the "Oh my God I'm so happy! In the "Oh my fuck, what is going on???
After three hours of hard labor while Jenny was out, I had managed to install a sex swing in the corner of our bedroom. A sex swing to end all sex swings. This thing is the shit, and I almost had to crank one out in the middle of installing it.
I couldn't stop picturing Jenny hanging in it, naked and waiting for me to rail her. I had to go to the hardware store three different times for materials and ended up removing part of the ceiling to reinforce the beams up there.
I had to attach two-by-fours and consult five different guys who worked at the hardware store, all who were anxiously awaiting my return so I could give them a play-by-play of the evening. Now, instead of waltzing back in there like a God to tell them about the hot sex we had suspended from our ceiling, I'm going to have to walk in there with my head down in shame.
I'm not going to have an awesome story to tell about the cops being called because of strange jungle noises coming from our room or windows being broken because of swinging too hard.
The only story I'm going to have is the one about me falling to my knees and sobbing like a girl. That's what is coming out of my mouth.
Pure nonsense. The gift that's supposed to rejuvenate our sex life has now become a new baby rocker. There's plenty of room," Jenny says softly as she stares down at Billy.
Sit next to my wife on a sex swing and NOT have sex? I do not understand what is happening right now. Is she speaking English? Billy bad! Me want! What the hell is wrong with you tonight? That's what's wrong with me, woman! What does that even mean? I never touched your pens. This whispering thing obviously isn't working. With resignation, I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and head into the bathroom while I scroll through the newest Erotica dot com updates.
Chapter 2 - Negative, Ghost Rider Jenny and I have been married going on,,,uh, something like four years.
Or is it three? Our daughter Veronica is three and Jenny definitely wasn't knocked up at our wedding. So, three, take away the one, carry the two,,,eh, three years and some change sounds about right. Our wedding was the shit! It was the most romantic, perfect day ever. Our friends and a few family members went with us to Vegas, baby! And the best part?
You guessed it, we were married by Elvis. Not the real Elvis. Last I heard he was spotted somewhere in Piedmont, North Dakota. This guy was totally a fake, but he was still shitballs good. Jenny surprised me with a shirt to wear during the ceremony. In big, block letters it had the word "Groom" with a giant "X" through it.
Underneath it was written: The Bride's Bitch. I had known the first moment that I met Jenny I would be her bitch, and I am perfectly okay with that. If I wasn't with her, I'm pretty sure I would be in prison and belong to the dude with the most packs of smokes. This is way better.
The day we met she had just finished throwing a sex toy party and sampled the merchandise a few minutes beforehand. I didn't know if it was the glow from her recent orgasm or not, but she was the hottest chick I had ever laid eyes on.
I had immediately thrown away my man-whore card and stuck to her like glue. Every day since that moment, I have never regretted one second I've spent with her. That makes it imperative I fix whatever problems we have as soon as possible. The guys know all about the sex swing incident. As much as it had pained me to have to relive the horror of that night last weekend, they knew what I was planning and were expecting a full run-down of the events.
The guys at the hardware store had a candlelight vigil for me earlier this evening. It really was a touching moment but it just made me all emotional and shit. When I had walked into work tonight and started sobbing uncontrollably, mumbling words like " rocking" and "sleepy penis" and saying, " M y kid is the spawn of Satan ," they knew the night didn't go as planned.
After telling them about my cock-blocking kid and showing them the Ziploc baggie filled with rice that had my cell phone nestled in it, they know it was a banner evening at the Parritt house. I smack his hand away and pull the bag closer to me. We are on our lunch break at the automotive plant and seated at a corner table in the lunch room. The three of us still work the night shift, and there is nothing unusual about the fact that our "lunch break" occurs at I was trying to scroll to the next page of the story.
Fucking touch screen phones. And I wasn't even jerking off this time.